Free Coffee

Here’s a rhetorical question: Does anyone remember a backgammon tournament that hasn’t run out of free coffee?

Man, I’m not even sure I should be drinking coffee before a tournament. Then getting all Steve Tyler – all edges. Then needing the bathroom again like it’s a hobby. Then… but it’s free, come on!

If one thing unites Brits it’s free stuff. Argos pens. Stickers at the dentist. Dodgy train newspapers. Buffets. Gosh, remember buffets? Now the thought of sharing peanuts is like playing Russian roulette. 

How to basically chase after that Yoda-like Zen state that Japanese players embody when they play backgammon? Answer: no free coffee. Well, maybe. It’s just a theory of mine but I’ve written to M&M and I’m expecting a response on their coffee intake soon.

Ok folks and folkesses, now that we’ve got this far, can we all talk about water? Now, let’s be real for a moment: we all know that we don’t drink enough water – like we all know that we don’t know how to do a full-windsor or like we all know that we don’t know what to watch on late night TV. Joking. Guys you know what I’m talking about here.

Jokes aside, I’m thinking of a study between water intake and pr. I know, thrilling, right? They might even publish it in the Daily Star or something, next to the free Magaluf vouchers. 

I’m happy with pseudo-science or pop psychology. There’s no need to be a snob about such things. And I do wonder if there’s something in this. I know that drinking coffee, albeit delicious, kicks me in the arse a couple of hours later when I feel my mind waver over the board. 

Look, maybe I’m not getting enough Vitamin D or have an Iron deficiency or am just a scatty person whose mind is like a pinball machine or maybe all of the above. Basically, water helps and must be better than coffee even if it doesn’t taste as good, doesn’t come with oat milk and means I need to go to the toilet more often.

Water and concentration go together like Hansel and Gretel. People have been saying this since there’s been water, which is at least a couple of thousand years. So… I’m gonna try this. When covid finally fucks the fuck off (pardon my beautiful French,) I’m doing a tournament solely on water. “Water, you kidding?” I know, hilarious, right?  Then – stick with me – I’m gonna somehow assemble a time machine out of backgammon clocks and after killing Hitler, Himmler and a few others, go back and replay the same tournament solely on coffee. That’s of course if the coffee is free. 

I’ll let you know how it goes but it might take a while. And, thanks for the coffee.